So I'm sitting here in the quiet--the clocks tick, I can hear the automatic timer on the lamp humming as it rotates around for the time... and a cat crying. I think I've recently admitted to myself that I have, indeed, become that weird cat-obsessed person. After rescuing cats this summer and losing Maxwell--our first rescued kitty--due to his trauma from not being rescued soon enough, I have a very tender place for kitties. Fortunately, no other cats have shown up at our apartment complex for me to agonize over and get attached to. But there are two who roam across the street from my complex. Too shy and just far enough away that I can't even figure out where to leave food for them. But from where I am in the quiet of my apartment, I literally can hear some cat crying. If you aren't familiar with upset-kitty-howls, here's an idea. This cat, I believe, is one of my neighbor's... possibly downstairs. The kitty maybe had to be locked in a room while the owners do something else, but it breaks my heart!
Am I upset just over this cat? It does bother me more than I'd like to admit--so much stigma to being that weird cat person. But I'm more troubled by it because it reminds me of pain. of loss. and I struggle so intensely with this fear of losing what's important to me. Oswald Chambers challenged my comfort-zone in yesterday's Utmost for His Highest entry... urging me to be ready to be poured out like a drink offering. Sacrificed, not for "good," but for God being able to then use me fully. I like the idea of God using me, but I do not not not not like the idea of God stripping the comforts and blessings away from me to best use me. Of course, God doesn't necessary HAVE to take away everything happy and good in my life to use me. I do believe He's given me many good things to benefit me, not just because He wants to give me fun goodies. But I realize that things have been very comfy for a long time... and I know God will not leave me in comfort simply because I like it. My biggest fears, the things that if I lost them, I would honestly struggle with trusting in God in the grief, would be 1)losing my kitties all at once--like a fire burning down my apartment building and them... but mostly, I desperately fear: 2)losing Andy.
Sometimes when I'm driving home, I wonder what would happen if I got home, did my work, started cooking dinner, only to give a knock on the door telling me he wouldn't be coming home? What would I do if his work called me to say there'd been an accident? Just imagining that pain is enough to make me freeze, and I'm crying now as I finally allow my mind to confess these fears and confront them, instead of swatting them away. I don't like thinking about this and I like talking about it even less, because I secretly fear that the more I face the unpredictability of his death, the more I fear that it will happen in this tragic way. When I've shared these thoughts with Andy before, he's encouraged me in considering that the reason why these fears grip so tightly and the anticipated pain would be so great is because of how deep the joy is that these blessings in my life bring. And that's a good thing--to see how much delight snuggly kittens bring, how much security, comfort, love, encouragement my husband brings... to think about all those little moments that I love about him and about us...
So today, when the fears came and brought me to my knees, I took some time while I was down there, on my knees, and thought of the list of things that I would miss most if Andy were gone. the things that would make it hard to reason that God is still good. But instead of letting the fear stay, or just trying to busy my brain by thinking of something else, I let that list sit. I intentionally thought of those things, and praised God that I have them to cherish now.
1. the comforting warm fuzzies I feel when I can put my head on his chest2. his goofiness--even when I get upset and he has to remind me he's joking3. his help at the grocery store4. his constant, reliable voice of reason and discernment5. his anticipation of my needs6. his faithfulness7. his pride in me8. our plans for the future9. his growing ministries to others10. his hatred of getting up early in the morning11. ...his diligence in getting up early with me before school every morning
...and the list could go on, but these are the things that hit me first today.
"Coincidentally," a prompt on the talk-show radio today was what has someone sacrificed for you? ... that word sacrifice again... just so I can't try to ignore the conviction I felt after reading Chambers.
A friend posted on facebook: "The phrase "do not be afraid" appears 365 times in the bible. Coincidence? No. It's God's reminder to us, to trust Him every day."
...I wrestle with this fear so much...
and as I was catching up on my "blogroll," Ann Voskamp echoed many of my heart aches with her blog: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/02/what-to-do-in-hard-times/.
One thing that I'm constantly reminded of as I wrestle again and again with these same fears is that they grow more burdensome when I try to fight them on my own. Anxiety IS a sin, and feeling weighted by them is a good reminder why that's not the way God intended me to live...
Proverbs 28:13 "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."
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