I've been learning from Oswald Chambers that God uses the everyday people and everyday circumstances to shape us. I get so frustrated by not knowing why I have to spend so much time and energy on mundane things. All the hours grading papers seem so meaningless, in the grand scheme of eternity. I feel rather vulnerable admitting it, but I dream of when I can maybe one day stay at home and be a full time mom. So when I'm feeling bogged down by paperwork, meetings, and deskwork, I sometimes feel like my current role as a teacher is so meaningless. But Chambers has challenged me to re-consider what feels so meaningless. God didn't put "Frederick" in my life for nothing. Paperwork isn't purposeless. not that I always understand...
Today was an extreme rollercoastery day. I've never liked rollercoasters--I hate that sinking feeling in my stomach when I'm plunging down a hill, and of course the nerves as I slowly tick up a hill. But teaching today brought that giant, infamous rollercoaster. I had a guest speaker lined up to talk to ALL THREE of my classes at once. Of course, this speaker could only come during my planning. So no break for me today! Little hill number 1. I check attendance while the speaker is getting started--12 students failed to show. Wonder if they're skipping their class AND this presentation. Stand on my feet, which are in my "big girl shoes" so maybe I can look older than 18, so I can give students evil eyes when talking. Medium size hill. Last class of the day: giant hill. They keep talking. They interrupt me to ask me a questions when I'm literally trying to explain that very thing. Then at least 2 more students ask the same question after I've carefully explained it. Now 4 students walk in the room, giggling, because they're 20 minutes late. I tell them they get referrals, because being that late warrants a referral for skipping. Now the 4 kids refuse to work and are cranky. We go to the media center computer lab for one last practice at the online program that they must take their test on next week. 6 students can't log on the computer--their passwords aren't working. They're yelling for me to help, despite my instructions to raise their hands and wait... I'm only one person. A media center staff tells me I have a phone call--a student has been found hiding in the bathroom. The room echoes and the students are loud. With 5 minutes before the end of the period, I yell that they must walk back to the room in silence under pain of referral and sit there until the bell rings. A student asks if she can use the restroom. I snap that of course she cannot--school policy since August has been no bathroom first or last 15 minutes. One girl is crying because she left her purse in the lab and I won't let her go get it--the media specialist is holding it for her, of course.
Not my proudest moment. I'm desperately praying that I won't cry as the bell rings and students, relieved, shuffle out. This is that sinking feeling after the big rollercoaster hill. Q comes to my room, as he does everyday. He's on the football team and hangs around until practice. He played for me his favorite songs (yay YouTube is unblocked again!) so I can cheer up. He offers to help me get referral forms. I'm feeling better, a bit, after the kindness of my student. Just as I'm about to pack-up and go home, feeling a bit defeated, K and E--who are in my dreaded 4th period--walk in. They apologize for the class and their own part in the behavior. They plop down in chairs and begin sharing with me how their history teacher has this bathroom policy, could we try that in our class? What if we sat in groups of four, and you arranged it so the talkers aren't together? How about explaining at the beginning of class that you'll give us one warning, and then write us up? You can write me up if I'm talking! I need to graduate!
Both these girls are about 17, and had their fair share of mistakes their 9th grade year, but have chosen to be in my class so they can get their diploma and not just their GED. They agree to step up and be leaders in the class, to help make it a better place to learn.
I feel humbled. It's only my 2nd year teaching, but sometimes I forget that I have a lot of learning to do. E and K reminded me of that--saying that I'm their only teacher who isn't strict. Ouch... after all my efforts to discipline better in the classroom!
Everyday circumstances, everyday people... I doubt that this moment will be as important to me in five years. But God uses moments like this to shape me. I feel painfully reminded that I didn't pray today, but God granted me a smooth day with the guest speaker and Q, K, and E who encouraged me after school. I'm reminded that I am not perfect and cannot expect to be--as a teacher, wife, follower of Christ. I'm humbled in my teacher status, and I'm blown away that I couldn't even get my mind of myself enough to pray over my day, but God came through anyway.
God used my today to show me once again how heavy the burden is that is lifted when I realize that I can't do it on my own.
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