It's only been two months...

You know, I love reading posts from my favorite blogs and I get sad when there's not a daily update. And here I am, with all of 2 posts completed in over 2 months. Work in progress :)

Ann Voskamp's blog is one such blog that I read almost daily. And since I've discovered her blog and how much I enjoy it, I've pestered Andy for her book, One Thousand Gifts for a Christmas gift. Of course, a week before Christmas, I receive the book as a Christmas gift from Donna, my Children's Ministry "boss." Andy was a bit frustrated, but I was happy!

What I've enjoyed about Voskamp's blog and her book is her relentless pursuit of joy, a pursuit that John Piper's work has convicted me of failing in. I tend to get bogged down my whatever is at hand, what feels the most pressing. So while my head knows that working for the eternal kingdom truly is more important, getting the lesson plans written, papers graded, and grades submitted on time often feel more demanding. For twenty-two and half years, I've always had tomorrow to serve God. But the grades have to be finished by 8am--I can read my Bible later. That's been my mindset, if I'm honest with myself.

Part of my constant struggle to pull away my thoughts from the immediate is because it's scary to think about what might disrupt my routines. My little life, while it can get busy, is very good. I have no material needs, only a few wants. Andy and I have jobs, reliable incomes. With Andy in seminary for another 2 years and me teaching, we have a seemingly stable plan for the next few years. We have a cozy home, and three sweet kitties who all pile in bed with us at night to snuggle away dark air's chill. It's all very comfortable. But there are many ways my mind imagines, when I'm kept awake with plaguing anxieties, that all this comfort could disappear. There are probably even more emergencies that could disrupt my life than what my fear-riddled brain could think of. I find myself clinging to my daily routines as something of reassurance--the alarm blaring at 5:26am reminds me that I still have to go to work. But the anxieties also trap me. I don't want to take risks, alter my plans, because what if..? I think that might be a small piece of why anxiety is a sin--not a personality trait--because anxiety keeps me where I am and causes me not to want to move. How much am I limiting what God could do through me because I'm too scared to come out from my fetal position under the covers at night?

The fear of unknown, but surely impending trials fills me with dread from time-to-time, probably because my life is so comfortable right now. But reading One Thousand Gifts, and using what I read to pull me into a Scriptural scavenger hunt as I find the same verses from her book in my Bible and continue pawing through related passages, I do not feel as afraid anymore. Voskamp speaks with honesty about the pain from her childhood, the pain she feels and experiences in her adult life. She speaks candidly about the tragedies around her and her willingness to enter into those. She is able to do so because she runs to Scripture with these tragedies. She asks bold questions and prays and runs to her Bible again and again until her heart is reassured that God is good.

"See now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal." (Deuteronomy 32:39, NASB)

"Does disaster come to a city unless the Lord has planned it?" (Amos 3:6)

Next to James 1:2 in my Bible, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds" (and oh, have I struggled with that verse--joy? trials? I'd rather hide), I wrote Voskamp's words :

"Hard discipline to give thanks for all things because He is all good. Hard discipline to number griefs as grace because as the surgeon ...cut[s] open...to heal..., God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole."

(Voskamp 100)

With her encouragement from speaking from her own sinful heart, I've found more motivation to admit my fears of hardship and dig through the Word to find Truth with which to confront these fears.

Thank you Jesus, for loving even the fearful sinner like me.

confronting Malachi

Malachi 3:8-11 says: "Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, 'How have we robbed you?' In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need."

Being fully convinced of this, Andy and I have been giving above our tithe for a time now. Andy's work schedule bring varying income in, so we felt that this was best to accommodate for the times when we receive more and the times when we received less.

As a new teacher, I'm on the lowest pay bracket for the state. Andy's varying income helps the ends meet while we live mostly off my salary and pay for his seminary. After life with Maxwell (picture here is one of the last few we took of him) and his vet bills to give him a quality 8 months with us, we ate away at a chunk of our savings. So now that we have us, seminary, normal expenses, and 3 kitties to pay for, money suddenly is tight. No more orange juice in the mornings, just have water. Turn off the water in the shower while sudsing up. Make sure to turn off the lights when we're not in that room. Cut a meal a week and have omelettes instead. Little sacrifices, and little money saved. We looked at our three kitties, rescued from life outside, and started racking our brains for new homes for them. Andy looked at his tuition bill and realized there was no way he could pay for another semester. He'd have to go half-time instead of full-time, but there's the risk of losing his scholarship as it's contingent on full-time status.

With tears, many tears, I thought of these little sacrifices to cut our grocery bill and utilities, and now this steeper sacrifice of giving up our kitties and getting behind in seminary, I thought of those verses in Malachi and felt more than a little angry. Here we were, giving "more than enough" money back to the Lord, yet there's not enough for us. What happened to that "until there's no more need" that He promised?

But God's promise didn't specify that He would double our money for giving Him some money. He reminded me that both Andy and I have internships through our church that bring in additional money, not much, but more income than we had last year. Maybe God blessed us through these internships. We certainly aren't hurting--we can still pay our bills and have nice things.

I prayed that if there was any way to keep our kitties, God would show us. If there's any way to make a full-time semester of seminary work for this spring, would He please show us how? Help us be good stewards of what we have. Please give us wisdom in how to reduce our expenses.

Andy met with his parents and a brother for lunch yesterday. His dad tossed out the idea of looking at our health insurance. Hundreds are cut from my paycheck each month to cover Andy under my insurance, but Andy does not have regular prescriptions or doctor visits. We're still examining options, but it looks like we could save roughly $300 per month by changing how he's covered.

No anonymous check-in-the-mail, no audible words called down from heaven, no miraculous increase in our checking account. But we prayed for wisdom, and wisdom was what God shared.

$300 a month will allow us to replenish our depleted savings. We won't have enough in time for next semester's tuition, but Andy thinks he can work with his seminary so that he can pay off the next semester as he goes. Three kitties still need a lot of food and clean kitty litter, but with some careful saving, they can still have a home with us for now.

...how's that for an answer to those prayers for wisdom with our finances?

Being Mrs. Schustring

I had a student last semester, let's call him "Freddie" who thought the "schu" part of my name was fun, and thought of every name to call me that had to do with shoes. Shoe rack, shoe store, shoe string. He called me "Ms. Shoe-string" most of the time. I called him "Frederick" in return.

I've been learning from Oswald Chambers that God uses the everyday people and everyday circumstances to shape us. I get so frustrated by not knowing why I have to spend so much time and energy on mundane things. All the hours grading papers seem so meaningless, in the grand scheme of eternity. I feel rather vulnerable admitting it, but I dream of when I can maybe one day stay at home and be a full time mom. So when I'm feeling bogged down by paperwork, meetings, and deskwork, I sometimes feel like my current role as a teacher is so meaningless. But Chambers has challenged me to re-consider what feels so meaningless. God didn't put "Frederick" in my life for nothing. Paperwork isn't purposeless. not that I always understand...

Today was an extreme rollercoastery day. I've never liked rollercoasters--I hate that sinking feeling in my stomach when I'm plunging down a hill, and of course the nerves as I slowly tick up a hill. But teaching today brought that giant, infamous rollercoaster. I had a guest speaker lined up to talk to ALL THREE of my classes at once. Of course, this speaker could only come during my planning. So no break for me today! Little hill number 1. I check attendance while the speaker is getting started--12 students failed to show. Wonder if they're skipping their class AND this presentation. Stand on my feet, which are in my "big girl shoes" so maybe I can look older than 18, so I can give students evil eyes when talking. Medium size hill. Last class of the day: giant hill. They keep talking. They interrupt me to ask me a questions when I'm literally trying to explain that very thing. Then at least 2 more students ask the same question after I've carefully explained it. Now 4 students walk in the room, giggling, because they're 20 minutes late. I tell them they get referrals, because being that late warrants a referral for skipping. Now the 4 kids refuse to work and are cranky. We go to the media center computer lab for one last practice at the online program that they must take their test on next week. 6 students can't log on the computer--their passwords aren't working. They're yelling for me to help, despite my instructions to raise their hands and wait... I'm only one person. A media center staff tells me I have a phone call--a student has been found hiding in the bathroom. The room echoes and the students are loud. With 5 minutes before the end of the period, I yell that they must walk back to the room in silence under pain of referral and sit there until the bell rings. A student asks if she can use the restroom. I snap that of course she cannot--school policy since August has been no bathroom first or last 15 minutes. One girl is crying because she left her purse in the lab and I won't let her go get it--the media specialist is holding it for her, of course.

Not my proudest moment. I'm desperately praying that I won't cry as the bell rings and students, relieved, shuffle out. This is that sinking feeling after the big rollercoaster hill. Q comes to my room, as he does everyday. He's on the football team and hangs around until practice. He played for me his favorite songs (yay YouTube is unblocked again!) so I can cheer up. He offers to help me get referral forms. I'm feeling better, a bit, after the kindness of my student. Just as I'm about to pack-up and go home, feeling a bit defeated, K and E--who are in my dreaded 4th period--walk in. They apologize for the class and their own part in the behavior. They plop down in chairs and begin sharing with me how their history teacher has this bathroom policy, could we try that in our class? What if we sat in groups of four, and you arranged it so the talkers aren't together? How about explaining at the beginning of class that you'll give us one warning, and then write us up? You can write me up if I'm talking! I need to graduate!

Both these girls are about 17, and had their fair share of mistakes their 9th grade year, but have chosen to be in my class so they can get their diploma and not just their GED. They agree to step up and be leaders in the class, to help make it a better place to learn.

I feel humbled. It's only my 2nd year teaching, but sometimes I forget that I have a lot of learning to do. E and K reminded me of that--saying that I'm their only teacher who isn't strict. Ouch... after all my efforts to discipline better in the classroom!

Everyday circumstances, everyday people... I doubt that this moment will be as important to me in five years. But God uses moments like this to shape me. I feel painfully reminded that I didn't pray today, but God granted me a smooth day with the guest speaker and Q, K, and E who encouraged me after school. I'm reminded that I am not perfect and cannot expect to be--as a teacher, wife, follower of Christ. I'm humbled in my teacher status, and I'm blown away that I couldn't even get my mind of myself enough to pray over my day, but God came through anyway.

God used my today to show me once again how heavy the burden is that is lifted when I realize that I can't do it on my own.