Ann Voskamp's blog is one such blog that I read almost daily. And since I've discovered her blog and how much I enjoy it, I've pestered Andy for her book, One Thousand Gifts for a Christmas gift. Of course, a week before Christmas, I receive the book as a Christmas gift from Donna, my Children's Ministry "boss." Andy was a bit frustrated, but I was happy!
What I've enjoyed about Voskamp's blog and her book is her relentless pursuit of joy, a pursuit that John Piper's work has convicted me of failing in. I tend to get bogged down my whatever is at hand, what feels the most pressing. So while my head knows that working for the eternal kingdom truly is more important, getting the lesson plans written, papers graded, and grades submitted on time often feel more demanding. For twenty-two and half years, I've always had tomorrow to serve God. But the grades have to be finished by 8am--I can read my Bible later. That's been my mindset, if I'm honest with myself.
Part of my constant struggle to pull away my thoughts from the immediate is because it's scary to think about what might disrupt my routines. My little life, while it can get busy, is very good. I have no material needs, only a few wants. Andy and I have jobs, reliable incomes. With Andy in seminary for another 2 years and me teaching, we have a seemingly stable plan for the next few years. We have a cozy home, and three sweet kitties who all pile in bed with us at night to snuggle away dark air's chill. It's all very comfortable. But there are many ways my mind imagines, when I'm kept awake with plaguing anxieties, that all this comfort could disappear. There are probably even more emergencies that could disrupt my life than what my fear-riddled brain could think of. I find myself clinging to my daily routines as something of reassurance--the alarm blaring at 5:26am reminds me that I still have to go to work. But the anxieties also trap me. I don't want to take risks, alter my plans, because what if..? I think that might be a small piece of why anxiety is a sin--not a personality trait--because anxiety keeps me where I am and causes me not to want to move. How much am I limiting what God could do through me because I'm too scared to come out from my fetal position under the covers at night?
The fear of unknown, but surely impending trials fills me with dread from time-to-time, probably because my life is so comfortable right now. But reading One Thousand Gifts, and using what I read to pull me into a Scriptural scavenger hunt as I find the same verses from her book in my Bible and continue pawing through related passages, I do not feel as afraid anymore. Voskamp speaks with honesty about the pain from her childhood, the pain she feels and experiences in her adult life. She speaks candidly about the tragedies around her and her willingness to enter into those. She is able to do so because she runs to Scripture with these tragedies. She asks bold questions and prays and runs to her Bible again and again until her heart is reassured that God is good.
"See now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal." (Deuteronomy 32:39, NASB)
"Does disaster come to a city unless the Lord has planned it?" (Amos 3:6)
Next to James 1:2 in my Bible, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds" (and oh, have I struggled with that verse--joy? trials? I'd rather hide), I wrote Voskamp's words :
"Hard discipline to give thanks for all things because He is all good. Hard discipline to number griefs as grace because as the surgeon ...cut[s] open...to heal..., God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole."
(Voskamp 100)
With her encouragement from speaking from her own sinful heart, I've found more motivation to admit my fears of hardship and dig through the Word to find Truth with which to confront these fears.
Thank you Jesus, for loving even the fearful sinner like me.
